Inspiration

Wow, it has been awhile since I've written anything. I've thought about writing everyday, but either haven't had the opportunity or have been too deep in thought to put anything down on "paper". Since Kevin's passing and memorial service, I've found myself reflecting on my own life as I've seen Kevin's light shine all around me, like on election day as I saw the trees burst with color, at his memorial as each person shared and just in the air at Snipes Farm, watching his wife, Casey's, strength and grace in knowing her beloved was shining on, and in the ordinary moments I see each day. How do I make sense out of this loss? How do I honor Kevin...honor Casey? In what way can I continue Kevin's light? How do I want to live? How have I been living?

A lot of questions. Many difficult things to look at in my own life. For those who didn't know Kevin or who were somehow unable to make it to his memorial, I was only able to describe it as one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I am so honored to have been there. To have witnessed the love, the tears, the courage, the life that filled the space, was truly amazing. Kevin's family and friends CELEBRATED Kevin's life, while allowing the tears to flow. The strength of his family, in particular, his wife and partner overwhelms me with inspiration. She seemed to allow herself to feel fully and to express each feeling as it happened. At one point loudly and firmly directing us to sing louder and louder because Kevin could not hear us as she processed with his family to a table honoring him. Later as a dear friend played a song for Kevin, she got up and danced with his picture, eyes closed and smiling brightly. So many friends shared stories of Kevin. Many funny stories, as he did not lack in humor. People sang, including Tim, read poetry, told how Kevin had touched their lives, although they may have only met him once or twice. This was just awe inspiring. And as each person finished their gift of sharing, we all said loudly, "Thank you, Kevin". It was beautiful.

I've been very contemplative since the service. Taking in words that my dear friend, Mary, had expressed about my energy when we first met and I was regularly meditating at the Buddhist center. Realizing that this past year, leading up to the birth of my second son, and afterwards have been lived mostly in a state of fear. Trying to be gentle with myself in understanding that much of this was due to post partum depression and circumstances that were legitimately stressful and frightening. While also realizing, that now that I am in a much better place, I still often find myself ruminating on fearful, stressful things in life rather than just living. Kevin's life and passing have inspired me to start "living" again. I need to honor him in this way...to honor his family in this way. When I think about this bright, beautiful light taken so soon, I think there must be a reason. For me that reason is so we can all continue to carry his light in our own hearts, minds and souls and make the world that much brighter.

I mean, seriously, Kevin's light was so bright his exceptionally close friends are now saying he reached "Super Nova" status and he had nowhere else to go, but to expand outward into the universe. You see Kevin had no cause of death. Really, there was no known cause of death...think about that. As I heard that at his memorial, it cleared any doubts I may have had about his feeling presence in the rain, the trees, the air...everywhere on election day. I also firmly know that I needed to start living more fully again. To live like I do when I'm in pe*A*ce with the hoop. Living each moment completely, not anticipating the next, but fully being in each moment, blissfully, passionately. So I continue my journey around and up the mountain. I think of Kevin many times each day and try to honor his life by living mine more intentionally. Many times I fall short, but I am greatly inspired and I will not stop trying.

Thank you, Kevin.





This song is from a CD of unreleased music of Kevin playing with various artists. He is the percussionist on the song and the inspiration for my dance.