Searching for Peace

Growing up, my Mom often called me her “what if girl”.  I was constantly asking “What if,” this happens or “What if,” that happens.  Truth is I worried a lot about things that were not in my control.  Fear was a guiding factor for so much of my of my younger life, as I searched for peace that can not be found in "What if's".


As a child one of my greatest role models was Fr. Edward Prus. Fr. Prus, besides my father, may be the man who has had the greatest affect my life.  It would take several blogs to write entirely how much this man influenced me, but to put it simply I watched closely how he lived and wanted to be like him.  When I would get into one of my “what if” modes, and become upset I would often imagine talking to Fr. Prus and telling him my worries.  This process would almost immediately bring me to a state of peace, just knowing that I was loved by him and that if needed he would listen.  Having this comfort as a child is just one of the multitude of gifts this amazing man gave me without ever knowing it.  My first teacher of peace.


This of course, carried into my adult life and I’ve spent many years working toward living life in the moment and accepting that I truly control very little beyond my own behavior. When I met Gen Kelsang Tilopa, the monk who runs the Buddhist Center which I attend, I knew it was an encounter with another mentor for my life.  This was the first time I was able to sit and quietly meditate for any period of time.  It was less than 5 minutes, but I found some peace which I had been searching for so long.  As I participated in the Buddhist Center more I learned I could meditate for longer periods of time and stay in this peaceful place.
   
Shortly after connecting with the Buddhist Center, I picked up the hoop for the first time and found that there can be meditation and peace within a state of movement as well. The hoop becomes the perfect dance partner, spinning with me towards a state of grace  and peace.... quiet of my mind.  Many times my hoops sessions start off loud, with questions bounding, the hoop feeling awkward on my body, off my body, but as I stick with the practice I can generally find some stillness, peace, within the movement.  


Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to have some time (with extreme gratitude to my Mom and sister for watching my children) to hoop in my parents living while home for the holidays.  I was drilling mostly, and dropping the hoop a lot (aka learning a lot), but I took some time to record and dance to a song that has been with me since I left the HoopPath workshop in FL. In this song and dance, I found some peace.  The words sum things up to such perfection, “I am exactly where I need to be, I need be exactly where I am..... And when I try to fight or run, I only wind up back at square one and when I think I know what’s best for me, Fate She takes me back to exactly where I need to be.”("Exactly", Amy Steinberg). 


Wishing you peace this Holiday season, New Year and always, wherever you may find it.

With Awe and Wonder

I handed each of my boys a lifesaver, candy being a very special treat at Mama's house.  My 5 year old quickly popped it in his mouth and began to savor the sweetness, while my 3 year old took a moment to look at the round shape, odd texture and bright green color and then with a look of awe and wonder he said, " OOOO  it's beautiful!" before devouring it.  The purity of the moment was not lost on me.


A few days later while at a local restaurant having a drink with a friend, the bartender handed us a couple of Frisbees that had been promotional items from a previous night.  Without thinking much about it, I began seeing the discs as tools for object manipulation.  On my small stool I started playing with the discs in curious ways.  I didn't care what other people thought I looked like.  I got lost in the purity of the circular motion of the discs and how my wrists, hands, arms, all the way to my shoulders and head could move them in particular ways in rhythm with the music.  I remember having a quick thought back to the lifesaver moment, "OOOO its beautiful".  


It is this way with the hoop for me when I am lost in flow, or in those moments of pe*A*ce (rhythmic balance between the hoop and hooper).  I feel blessed to experience these amazing sensations so vividly and frequently due to the teacher(s) I have and my own hoop practice.  Hooping has brought such richness to my life on levels deeper than I ever considered that first day 8+ years ago when I picked up my first hoop on the Weaver St. Market lawn.  I remember watching Vivian Spiral on that day and thinking, "OOOO its beautiful".  Little did I know the depth of that statement.  Blessings to all of you that have helped me on this journey.  

Practice as a Way of Life

It has been almost a year since I last wrote, and what a year it has been. The internal challenges I faced in determining who I was (am) as a mother, a single parent, a woman, a teacher, a friend, a daughter and a sister have been powerful and forces for tremendous growth and change. Throughout all of these battles with my sense of identity, the one constant that I had control over was my hoop practice, and it sustained me, when nothing else could.

During the first few months of 2010 as I began my journey as a single mom. The intensely quiet times when my boys were not with me became spaces for 5 hour hoop practices that allowed for openings to grief, compassion, anger, exhaustion, and stillness. My practice not only strengthened my hooping, but helped me to become comfortable in my own solitude. These practice session led me to find a place where I did not need to hoop for 5 hours to feel comfortable with the silence.

In the HoopPath, Baxter talks about three essential stages of learning: Belief, Strength, and Grace. I can see myself in each of these stages as this year progressed. I recall calling my Dad at one point early on and literally saying, “I just can’t do this.” I had momentarily given up, but he quickly gave me the “Coach Mac” pep talk I needed to have BELIEF. I took that belief and taught my first hooping workshop up in NYC at Union Theological Seminary and began to find my STRENGTH.

I have been blessed with the most amazing family and friends that anyone could possibly imagine and I can’t recount the time they held me up throughout this year as my strength wavered. My gratitude to every person in my life is so immense that I could never possibly express it in words. In this year of on going self discovery, the people closest to me saw the best, and most definitely the worst of me. Ruminating, ruminating, ruminating... anger, anger, anger... crisis, crisis, crisis... And here they are still by my side. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

I don’t know when exactly the shift started happening to GRACE and I know that as in hooping Grace is always something to be worked toward, sharpened, enhanced, but I know there is an essential difference in my way of being and interacting with the world. I can only relate it to hooping, to HoopPath, and say that I have shifting and entering this point of grace. It is because of these loyal, loving people in my life and my hoop practice that I am here. I know that like maintaining my hoop practice, there are steps I need to take on a daily basis to maintain the practice of living in this more authentic way that has started for me. Grace can not be maintained with out the continued strength behind it. Strength comes through practice.

The other morning I opened the box of Christmas decorations, fully prepared to deck out the house before the boys came home from school, but instead I was left to slowly pull out memories of past holidays from a small plastic bin. They were mostly joyful memories, but the ache in my heart was tremendous and tears spilled silently down my face as I first unpacked each item with great tenderness and care, and then gently put it back into its place. The box remains unopened on the living room floor, a sign of the further growth, grief, and internal work I still have in front of me. Practice, Practice, Practice.

The practice is ongoing, never-ending, infinite if I hope to continue my growth as a hoopdancer and as a human being.