Remembering Carl

Carl Anthony Williams
2/25/61-12/22/03

I am only one,
But still I am one.
I cannot do everything,
But still I can do something;
And because I cannot do everything,
I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.
~~Edward Everett Hale


 My dear friend Sean volunteered in Africa and connected deeply with a young child there.  He has shared many stories, pictures, and videos of his time with Ibu.  His recollections and feelings about this time with Ibu have stirred some of my own memories of various life event including my year volunteering in a battered women's shelter in KC,MO and 3 year old "L" with whom I shared a great bond, and today Sean's story of Ibu brought back a memories from my own childhood, of Carl Williams, one of the most influential people in my life.

 I met Carl when I was about 4 or 5. These are my memories as I recall them... the memories of a child at that age. I am sure my time lines are off some, but they don't really matter, what matters is the story, the feelings,  and most importantly the impact one person can have on the life of another.

It was my first year at football camp.  My mom was cooking all the meals for the team and we (the three daughters) went up to camp that year and subsequent years to "help".  I remember being terrified of these HUGE men (really just teenage boys), but to a young child, GIGANTIC football players who could crush me if they chose to.  Each year there were a select few (generally about three) trainers who came along as well.  They were usually female and were skilled in treating injuries etc.  Myself and the other coaches daughters often clung to them, when we weren't off paddle boating, catching frogs, playing with my beloved dog Cheer, or helping in the kitchen.  In between these time, during open swim, and at night the players were around and I was fearful.

Then I met Carl.  He was by my standards, a mammoth sized man, his beautiful dark skin and large muscles towering over me, with a nice sized afro,  all larger than life.  I was playing with little plastic race cars that came from the Captain Crunch box.  You would blow up the balloon attached and the cars would go swiftly across the picnic table.  I felt like a nobody amongst these "adults", and Carl sat down with me and asked if he could race cars with me.  The simplest, kindest gesture and suddenly I mattered.  We became instant friends, for a lifetime.

After camp I missed Carl tremendously.  I could not wait until I would see him again.  I can't remember which one of us wrote the other first, but I do remember the glorious day when my mom came home from school with the most magnificent handmade card I had ever seen and it was for me.  Carl had thought that I was special enough to make such a lovely card, and it even said so on the the front " For My Special Friend Bonnie".  The flower on the cover was made of brilliant colors of yard and he even put a little, plastic man with moustache on the bottom because I had talked about how his moustache tickled when he hugged me.  I am flooded with the awareness I had at that moment that I was loved, acknowledged and important as a human being.  Sitting on my parents large bed, staring in my mother's mirror that spanned the length of her dresser, I saw myself and her and told her, " Mom, I wish that Carl was my big brother. "  "Well," she said matter-of-factly, "why don't you ask him to be?"  Really? It could be that easy? Would he say yes?  I got to work immediately on my letter back to him.

It was soon decided that we were indeed family and it did not take long before I started calling his mom, Mom Williams, and his dad, Dad Williams.  His sister Linda, was my sister as was his brother Mark and little sister Michele (Mickey).  Carl came to my swim meets, my first communion, he was my confirmation sponsor, but what I remember most is meeting him off the football field each week, win or lose, for my post-game hug.  He was always there with love in his heart, regardless of excitement of the win or disappointment of a loss, to give a little girl  the hug she waited for all week long.  My most memorable hug came during a game where Carl got injured and had to be assisted off the field.  At the same time, my mom was taking me to the ER for an ear infection.  Sobbing both from the pain in my ear and from the fear of what had potentially happened to Carl, we met near the bus in the parking lot.  Carl had the trainers let go of his arms and balanced heroically on his one good leg, bent over and picked me up to give me the best hug of my life, reassuring me that it was all going to be OK.  These are the moments that help shape our lives. 

Carl speaking at Football Camp my freshman or sophomore year in HS

While we kept in touch through most of our lives, there is no happy ending to this story, which is perhaps why I have not been able to talk about it much.  I don't have many regrets in my life, mostly because I don't believe they are helpful.  However it haunts me that I didn't make it to Carl's funeral after he was murdered.  My sister was there and sent my love to my "second family".  I listened to her with bated breath as she told me of all the former Shrine players who came back for the funeral, the words they spoke about Carl, the love that filled the room for him, and I grieved.  And each year around Christmas I promise myself that I will write a letter to Mom Williams and tell her all of this, but I never do.  I don't know what holds me back... my grief, the disbelief, fear, shame; probably all of these things.  Today, though after hearing my friend Sean talk about Ibu, I had to write about Carl.  I had to let him and others know, that these connections we make with children, with people who often need it the most.... these connections do make a difference, often the difference of a lifetime. 


So maybe today reach out to someone and share your hoop and hope that it gives them that moment of joy.  Look the homeless person in the eye when you pass them by in the street and say "Hello".  Smile at a child, your neighbor, your barista.  The simplest act can form a bond that changes lives, and at the very least it may change someones outlook for that moment.  We all have it within our power to change a life for the better and therefore change the world.  What's holding you back?


Thank you Carl.  I love you Brother.  This dance is for you.


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