A Mother's Freedom

I wrote this Blog on tribe.net on Mother's Day 2008. I decided to re-post it here because I know that so many of us who are mothers can understand the those moments when we long for "freedom" before we had children. I also know that I would not trade a day with my children for anything, even the rough days. My dear friend, another hooping mama, and one of the most bad ass hoopers around, Beth Lavinder, often uses the analogy of the oxygen masks on the airplane. You always secure yours first. The point being you must take care of yourself as a mom, as a woman, as a human being, before you can take care of others. Hooping though has provided me with a healthy way for my body and mind to have space and release from the stress of everyday life. It is my sacred space and I hold it as such.

Mother's Day 2008

All I wanted to do today on Mother's Day was to hoop. I had it all planned. Tim was taking Wynter to Journeys with him, so it was just River and me. River and I would head up to WSM, hoop it up and then go over to the community jam at the Town Commons. Looking at the weather last night, I realized Mother Nature had other plans in store for her family. It didn't matter much though, because I just knew that I was hooping today, no matter what. I just wanted/needed to feel that freedom of spinning endlessly with a familiar partner, friend, who is my faery protector, my lioness, circle of golden light. During the last few months in particular my hoop and hooping have been my saving graces. My hoop is a safe, sacred place and has an energy and "life" of its own. I have my own relationship with each hoop. The relationships are formed based on past hooping experiences. Each little dance creates a new memory and adds to the relationship. Hooping is often and expression of who I am and other times helps me find the way to expressing myself. Sometimes it is just an escape from the difficulties of daily life; gaining a little perspective or freedom.. Today it was all three.

Some of us met up at the Do Jhang in late afternoon for and impromptu jam, since everything else had been cancelled by the weather. I had thrown together a playlist (called of course Mother's Day playlist) thinking I was going to Beth's studio to hoop. Unfortunately, I didn't really go back through the list and check for transitions and make sure each song fit....so I found some weirdness and a few songs where I was like, "why did I put this on there". But mostly I felt this immense freedom having made the list and hooping to a lot of songs I really love. I hooped through the entire version of Nina Simone's "Sinner Man". One of my favorites, but over 10 minutes long. I did exercises to strengthen my legs, but that were repetitive so little thought was required and I could keep my head clear. And when Richie Havens' "Freedom" played, it felt as though he was singing for me, and I went off....remembering Shakori...and just feeling his words....and searching for and feeling some Freedom.

On my way back from the jam, I though a lot about freedom. My own personal freedom. How it has changed so much since having children. How I'm lucky that I have such a supportive partner, who takes care of the kids several times a week so I can go to class or jams, but what would it be like to be Ann or Baxter (whom I had just left), who didn't have to go home to children. I decided to stop at Open Eye Cafe for a Latte. A true treat. First of all, because I rarely go there anymore, and secondly because I could...I had no children with me. I walked in, ordered my drink and a muffin and began to look around. I watched the people there. Friends meeting, people working on computers, others reading books....I tried to remember the last time I was able to go and sit at a coffee shop...what a luxury.

It made me think back to Kansas City and my days as Jesuit Volunteer. I lived in coffee shops. Or when I use to go to Hell (a local CH bar) every afternoon from 5-7 for free pool and cheap beer. The last time I was there was when I was pregnant with Wynter. The coffee tasted awesome and driving on the country roads seemed freeing. Like when I was younger and we would just pick up and go on a road trip. Driving from state to state...from TX to AZ through Colorado and Kansas up through the Midwest....friggin everywhere...all jammed in van with camping gear....just doing anything and everything....hiking the Grand Canyon, white water rafting, camping god knows where... picnics in fields of blue bonnets with Joe The Dog frolicking endlessly. Good times. I wonder if I felt the freedom then. I know I did sometimes...mostly on road trips...and those were many.

All these thoughts today. Then as I got closer to home I thought about River and Wynter. It feels like they've always been here. I have these great memories (as well as some really bad ones) from my past. All these moments of "freedom" that I thought of and felt today.....the present feeling of freedom in the hoop and the feelings of freedom that I miss sometimes because I can't just drop everything and spontaneously drive across the country. But now I don't understand life without Wynter or River. It just doesn't make sense. While I understand that they were not physically present during my younger years, I've ALWAYS known them, they have always been with me somehow. So now although it gets overwhelming quite often and I feel this need to escape, I don't know freedom without them. I guess I never really have