Peace in Folding

"PEACE.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." Author Unknown


Although it does not define me, I have lived with depression since my childhood.  As I look back over my early years, pre-teen and early teenage times, dealing with the illness, I am often struck by some of the amazing coping skills a young child can develop in the midst of personal crisis.  Many of those skills, of course, would not serve me well as an adult, but several have been essential throughout my life.

One technique has been the most influential and life changing.  While I don't remember the circumstances, I do remember being quite young and horribly sad and emotionally distressed one night.  As I lay in bed, literally praying for comfort, I was able to envision this beautiful white light encircling me on all sides, and above it, creating it, was a magnificent lioness.  Immediately, I was at peace and found stillness in an otherwise troubled heart, and from then on, this image became the face of God for me.  In times of greatest, sorrow, despair and even bouts of depression I could go back to this image and recreate it for comfort and knowledge that I was never alone on my journey.

It is no wonder that I am so taken with hooping.  A circular object, always surrounding me, as I dance. Protecting me, from everything and perhaps nothing, but still always there.  Lately, as I practice the technique termed, "Folding" by my teacher, Jonathon Baxter (Bax), founder of the HoopPath, I can see this image, of white light and lioness, so clearly as the hoop gently wraps around my body in unconventional ways.  With each "fold" I create a new stream of light and protection, the hoop always seeming to touch some point on my body.  It is the most comforting hoop experience I have had so far.  It is also the most rigorous despite its simple beauty and appearance to the observer.

I realize that I am a great candidate for HoopPath teaching because I prefer the dance and meditation that hooping offers over learning new tricks with the hoop, however there is plenty of technique offered in Bax's teaching to fill a student's repertoire.  Folding is just one example and has opened up so much for me in my own hoop dance.  I have been so incredibly fortunate to be under Bax's tutelage most Monday nights for over 5 years now.

I love and am grateful for  the road I have traveled, am traveling, down this path, with the hoop, with my community of family and friends.  Each life experience can be an opportunity for growth and shapes the people we become.  I am contented with this fact of continual growth as a person and in my dance.

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This song, "Little Fire", by Patty Griffin is one of my favorites.  It reminds me of the image I speak of in the writing above, in particular the chorus :
" All that I want is one who knows me
A kind hand on my face when I weep
And I'd give back these things I know are meaningless
For a little fire beside me when I sleep"

A Mother's Love

"Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love."
— Leo Buscaglia


I don't think I truly understood what love is until December 16th, 2005.  The day my first son was born.  In the moment, I finally held him in my arms for the first time, after an arduous labor, difficult delivery and problems, still, delivering the placenta, I was literally crying out for my then nameless boy.  Once I saw his beautiful face, teeny tiny hands and feet, the perfectness of this human being, I knew that I would love him unconditionally, forever.  A mother's love.  


Two years later, almost to the day, my second son was born.  This time I already knew his name.  We were connected so deeply throughout my whole pregnancy.  I sang to him, I hooped "with" him even in labor, I talked to him... I was overcome with love for this being not yet born.  My labor and delivery was even more intense the second time around, which is not usually the case.  I was blessed with an amazing support team that pulled me through what seemed like a never ceasing process.  At the end, with an oxygen mask over my face, knowing my baby's heart rate was dropping the midwife told me, "Bonnie you have to get him out with this push." I pushed and pushed with all I had in me, but he did not come.  I feared the worst and at that moment there was a disconnect.  I needed that disconnect to get the job done and my beautiful boy was born with the next push.  He went into the NICU that night and we were mostly separated for the first three days of his life.  Another disconnect.  Looking back postpartum depression was probably inevitable, but my unconditional love for him remained strong.  It just took us time to rebuild our relationship from the womb, to reconnect.  


It was at some point during my postpartum depression, in my pondering on this phenomena of a mother's unconditional love for her children, that it hit me, "Wow, my Mom loves me this way."  I had never really understood that before... well how could I?  My mom and I have been close for most of my life and although I'm sure I don't tell her this nearly enough, I look up to her.  She, along with my two grandmothers, is the epitome of a strong, beautiful woman.  I strive to be more like her in many ways.  To this day, I have never... I mean NEVER... heard my mom gossip or speak ill of another person.  How many people can you say that about?  And she loves me unconditionally?  She has never told me this, but I know it now, as a mother, and most importantly because I can look back at all the support she has given me throughout my life.  She has ALWAYS been there.  


Over the holidays, my boys and I were visiting my family up where the snow blows cold, and I received some news that will change our lives at least temporarily.  I was so grateful to be with family who love and support me, no matter if I spin a hoop for a living, dye my hair blue, or live far, far away.  My mom as usual was my rock, offering guidance, so much love, compassion, and letting me go as I needed to.  Unconditional love, as only a mother can give. 


This month, my mom will be honored as "Woman of the Year" by the Michigan High School Football Coaches Association.  I will be with her in spirit, sending my love and knowing that there is no one in the world who deserves this award more than she does.

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Twins,a video of a mother's love. My eldest son insists that he and his brother, separated by a two year age difference, are twins. This video is for the three of us. My hands gently guiding them as they wander down various paths, currents, movements and flow. May they always feel my presence as a support and welcome energy.